Giving your child a new sibling could be the best gift they ever receive. As adults, many of us consider our brothers and sisters to be our best friends and our fiercest protectors. Being raised together means sharing in so many experiences and having endless memories in common. There is no denying the sibling relationship is unique and special. But what happens when that new baby brother or sister first shows up at the house? Your young child probably isn’t quite able to grasp the glorious sibling bond that awaits him; in fact, he’s likely not interested in sharing mom and dad at all.
Depending on their age, children will react differently to a new baby sibling. Don’t be surprised if you see signs of jealousy, resentment, and even a little regression into behaviors they had when they were younger. However, with some careful preparation and lots of gentle conversation, you can avoid any serious sibling rivalry and pave the way for a beautiful lifelong friendship. Here are some ideas for welcoming the second child (and beyond)!
Pump them up!
Who doesn’t love the idea of a new best friend coming to live with them? Get your little one excited for what lies ahead. Tell them how lucky they are to have a new baby coming, someone who will grow into a permanent playmate living right in the house. Explain the important job they will have in their new sibling’s life; being a big brother or sister means being a role model and a protector.
Giving the older sibling a sense of responsibility and making them feel important is very empowering for them! At the same time, make sure you are providing realistic expectations about what a new baby can and can’t do. Spend some time looking at photos of when they were just born, and talk about how it will be a while before the new sibling will be able to walk, talk, and play—or do much of anything besides eat and sleep!
Curl up with a good book.
Young children learn a great deal about the way the world works through the storybooks that are read to them. And there is no shortage of helpful literature that relates to welcoming a new sibling. Readbrightly.com has compiled a list of 7 awesome children’s books about this topic that can help you paint the picture for your soon-to-be big brother or sister.
You can even order a book that is personalized with their info to make them feel extra special. Companies like I See Me! will create a book using details like your child’s name and image, where they are featured as the main character (who is always of course an amazing new big brother/sister)! Books like these can help your child adjust to the idea of welcoming a new sibling.
Talk about it!
Use these storybooks as jumping off points for meaningful conversations. Talk with your child about what it will be like when your own family has a new baby. If you plan on delivering at the hospital, share the details about how you won’t be at home for a couple of days, how someone else may help take care of them, and how you will need a little recovery time. Discuss their hopes, their feelings, and all of the (often silly!) worries that are going through their little minds.
Your older child will relish the chance to snuggle up to your growing belly and get some more information about what things will be like when the new baby arrives. This special time that comes with curling up and reading together is creating a sense of security that is extra helpful in times of transition.
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Practice and prepare.
Involving the older children in your preparations for the new baby will help to make them feel included in the master plan. Ask their opinion on baby names, let them choose some of their old baby toys and books to add to the new sibling’s nursery, and maybe even frame their photo to hang on the wall! Get a baby doll for your little one to practice with. You can show them how to hold the baby and also demonstrate all of the activities that come with the newborn lifestyle—changing, napping, burping, nursing—and doing it all while being gentle.
Check with your local hospital to see if they offer a siblings course; this can be an opportunity to visit the maternity ward and learn about how to be a great big brother or sister. Some programs even give the child a graduation certificate!
You may also want to prepare your older kids by tackling any big changes ahead of the new baby’s arrival. If you plan on potty training, getting them out of the crib, etc., it’s better to do that before the new sibling shows up!
Include them in the new sibling gifting.
Older siblings will inevitably be sensitive to the amount of attention their new baby sister or baby brother receives. You can help curb these negative feelings by being extra mindful and including them in the present action, especially in the days following the birth of their new sibling. Have a special gift (or three!) ready to give them when they first visit the new baby.
Some parents like to say that the gift is from the baby, which can help to create some warm feelings off the bat. One great option is the VTech Kidizoom, a kid-friendly camera that they can use to capture the special event. Another idea is a LEGO set or a similar activity that will keep them entertained and distracted while family and friends fawn over the new baby. Don’t forget the importance of a “big brother” or “big sister” themed t-shirt to remind them of their special new role. The options are endless, especially on websites like Etsy; and, just like with the storybooks, you can get personalized versions as well!
Make them feel extra special.
Hannah King, a mother of two from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, remembers the best advice she got when she welcomed her second baby: “If your newborn and older child are both crying at the same time, tend to the needs of your older child first because they will remember you gave them the attention, love, and care first and won’t resent their sibling for hogging your time or attention; and your newborn won’t have any memory of it.” She adds that it’s even better if you verbalize what you are doing to really send it home. “Say something like, ‘Baby Joe, I’ll be there in a minute. Your big sister needs me right now.”
Call in the village.
As much as you’d like to be able to consistently focus on the feelings of your older kids following the birth of their new sibling, you can be sure that the new baby will demand A LOT of your time and energy. You will need quality one-on-one time to get to know your new bundle of joy, and you’ll likely feel guilty and spread thin if your older kiddos aren’t getting the attention they need.
When this happens, it’s time to call in the reinforcements! Have some special people ready to step in and help, such as grandparents, favorite babysitters, and best friends. You might even pre-arrange some special outings; buy mini-golf passes, movie passes, or arcade tickets to hand out to those willing and ready to help care for the older siblings.
Carve out some quality time.
Even after baby comes, work hard to maintain your special bond with your older children. When new mom Lauren Wright, also from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, welcomed her second son, she wanted to make sure that her first born didn’t feel lost in the shuffle. Once she had settled into a routine with her new baby she implemented “Wednesdays with Owen,” and she stuck to it.
Each Wednesday she arranged for her husband to care for the baby so that she and Owen could spend time together, just the two of them. They went for hikes, went bowling, or even just watched a movie in the basement. “It didn’t have to be anything fancy, I just wanted to make sure that I was spending time with him alone. At first I was worried about him feeling left out, but I realized pretty fast that I needed that quality time with him as much as he needed it!”
Your children aren’t the only ones who might have feelings about the inevitable shifting of family dynamics that comes with a new sibling. Especially if you are preparing for your second child, and not your third or fourth, you’re sure to be having all the feels as well! It’s hard to say goodbye to the strong bond that you create with an only child, and the uncertainty about what the future will feel like can be really scary. Be kind and patient with yourself as you learn to navigate your own new role in the family. Together, with lots of love and communication, your family will grow and change in countless beautiful ways!
Lisa Holmes lives in Wellfleet, MA with her husband, toddler and infant. She is a BabyQuip Quality Provider and loves welcoming travelers to Cape Cod. She works as an elementary school teacher, which gives her the opportunity to enjoy lots of time at the beach during her summer vacations!
The best explanation ever!
Very helpful list!
My second child is 10 months old and we are still working on some of these things with our first born!
I don’t have family in town (and my husband was on active duty at the time) so before my second child arrived I arranged for my oldest to have playdates each day for the first two weeks after my daughter’s birth with my best friend and her daughter. It was a lifesaver and my son LOVED it!!!
Definitely call the grands!!
I had myself really worked up about thinknig my duaghter would hate her new sibling, but it turned out she loved every minute of being with her new baby sister. I was so thankful. She was like my little helper1!!!
She even gave her her favorite baby doll and never asked for it back!! I guess I was lucky.
My mom and sister made my “birthing day” special for my only child by spending time with him and giving presents.
My husband called me to let me know that they where five minutes out. I was then able to make sure and have the baby bedside instead of in my arms when my older child came in the room. My old child was then able to see me first, hug me, and crawl into the bed with me before seeing the baby. She got my attention first.
We were a family of four for a long time, we then were surprised with twins! They were born very early and all our focus was on them. We had to make sure to carve out some one on one time with our “big kids” so they didn’t feel left out. I think doing things solo with them is important!
I have 4 children and we always had the new baby give presents to the siblings to help break the ice.
We even let my 1st daughter give our 3rd daughter her middle name.
I let my bigs shop for little Sister. I also showed them the ultrasound pictures, and recorded her heartbeat at the doctors office so they could listen to it at home. We even let them help pick out her name. I think including them the most you can really helps them feel special.
We gave our daughter a present in the hospital when she met her sister so she would feel special (it was a sucker, and she was more interested in that than the baby!). We also gave her plenty of quality time with dad and her grandparents so that I could spend uninterrupted time with the baby in those first few months. We had our third at the beginning of the pandemic, and it has been a lot more difficult to navigate because we can’t just send our daughters to their grandparents’ house or to the playground, aquarium, etc. with my husband.
When I had my second child, my first born was not himself for about 2 solid months. He was just sad and seemed to go through a period of mourning and processing. It was really hard on him, and for me knowing that our season of just me and him would forever be different. He was only 2. He and his little sister now are very best friends. But it was a rough beginning. With the 3rd baby, the kids were quite a bit older and we did a lot of mentally and emotionally preparing. The kids were really excited and welcomed the new baby with no problems at all.
Juliana, I had a very similar experience with my oldest and I’ll always remember the day when he asked, very sadly, when we were going to give the baby back to the hospital.
We gave the VTech camera to our oldest when baby brother came along and it was a hit! We also made sure that daddy spent a lot of quality time with him while mommy and baby were adjusting in those first few weeks.
I’m expecting my third child in three weeks and my soon to be middle child is still SO MAD (after months and months of knowing) that we are having a girl and not a boy. I’m going to have to implement some of these.
I like the tip to ask friends or family to spend a little time with the older sibling so they don’t feel left out of all the excitement of the new baby.
I’m only a few months along but I’m so scared I’m not going to love this baby as much as my first. I need to know mamas, is it really possible? I feel like Weston is my entire heart. Everyone keeps telling me it will just happen but I’m still worried.
I never thought to get a baby doll to practice with. I’m a grandma and watch my first grandchild while my daughter and son-in-law are at work so I’ll also be watching the new baby when she comes. Good idea.